I’m in a bad mood this morning. The dog escaped twice, Centacare employment stuffed up and I’ve been ‘deactivated’ (“Danger Will Robinson! Danger dang…”), the kids were bickering and complaining about helping out, I’m feeling nauseas and am having trouble spelling nauseaous. Naseos? Norse -ee-uss?

So in line with my grumpiness I am going to dedicate this blog to stuff which I think should never have been invented.

Bureacracy

Did I spell that right? My spelling is crap today. I hate red tape, but then, who doesn’t. It’s wrapped itself around in a strangulating grip on my life for a few years now. My hubby is awaiting immigration status, and has been for a couple of years. He now has a lovely immigration officer who is moving things along, thank gawd, but it’s been a nightmare up until now. Government agencies have made life very complicated.

Green ants

If you don’t know what these are, you’re invited to come walk across our front lawn bare footed and introduce yourself to these critters. They are as nasty and viscious as fire ants. I’ve never been bitten by a fire ant but I imagine green ant bites hurt just as much as their infamous relative. I think the hill that our house is built on is one gigantic green ant nest. They are not the type to look the other way and mind their own business – if you’re near them, they run after you and tear your throat out (or give you a very nasty nip).

Chocolate

My name is Lucy and I’m a chocoholic. I love the stuff – it is my comfort food. The trouble is that it has made my arse large enough to host a state banquet and still have room left over on which to play a polo match. If that cursed stuff hadn’t been invented I’d be so svelte (but even more neurotic and stressed). Chocolate should be outlawed, just like heroin. Or is that heroine? Ugh! I need chocolate.

Shitty parents

If you’re in a crowd, maybe at the local shopping mall, look around you, and be wary. Some of those people are the dreaded ’shitty parents’ and you wouldn’t even realise it. Shitty parents aren’t always identifiable but they must be out there because I teach their offspring. Not all kids are shitty parent offspring, but there’s a fair few who should have been taught a lesson or two about respect, work ethics, being grateful for their opportunities. There are some kids at school I’d like to plonk down in a bare hut school in Africa and make them carry water 5kms before their lessons, then help out with the crops afterwards to teach them exactly the value of what they really have at home in Australia. /end of shitty parents rant.

Tooth decay

If I were a god back in Genesis times, artfully molding a human out of clay, I’d be sure to experiment and test out a prototype to make sure I worked out the tooth decay issue. I have a weird phobia about seeing people frothing at the mouth when they’re brushing their teeth. It makes me gag. I think it goes back to the day when my mum washed my mouth out with soap for swearing. I can’t look at myself in the mirror when I’m brushing my teeth – I have to look at the sink and get it done as quickly as possible. So tooth decay should never have been invented. Obvious design flaw there.

Menstruation

Talking about design flaws…If anyone ever pondered whether God really should be considered a ‘He’ rather than a ‘She’, or an ‘It’, then look no further than the matter of menstruation. God has to be a man, or he’d never have thought to include in the female design something as inconvenient and stupid as a women’s period. What was He thinking? I have wondered how the human species survived the cave man days. Surely sabre tooth tigers had a heightened sense of smell, and cave women smelling of blood for at least a few days must have lured quite a few predators around the camp fire.

While I’m ranting about menstruation I should include a whinge about the cost of tampons etc. Australia has a goods and services tax on items which are considered ‘luxuries’. Anything which is considered ‘neccessary’ is exempt. Food is exempt, condoms are exempt, women’s sanitary products are not exempt. Do you think a man or a woman decided on what were and were not luxuries?

Ex husbands who make life hellish

‘Nuff said, although I am grateful to him for giving me my four lovely children.

I shall continue this list later if I’m still in a bad mood as there are tons more things which should never have been invented. But my hubby wants us to take the kids to McDonalds for lunch, and I need more chocolate, so I need to go out for a bit.